🇺🇸 First Amendment Auditor Tactical Field Manual
“If your feelings override my rights, then buckle up, cupcake.”
– Article Zero of the Constitution (probably)
Mission Statement
We, the freely assembled militia of monopods and microphones, do solemnly swear to bring light to public darkness, sanity to small-town tyrants, and camera lenses to public lobby carpeting…
Uniform Requirements
- Tactical Flip-Flops
- “Press” Badge (bonus points for Comic Sans)
- Backpack: Constitution, power banks, jerky
- Facial expression: permanently unimpressed
Officer Encounter Playbook
Officer: “You can’t film here.”
Auditor: “Didn’t realize feelings were a statute.”
Policy Section: “But the Sign Says…”
When shown a “No Recording” sign:
- Policy Code 1-A: Ignore & Zoom
- Policy Code 1-B: Constitution Override
- Policy Code 1-C: Employee Meltdown Protocol
Tyranny Alert Levels
| Level | Description | Response |
|---|---|---|
| Beige | Clerk side-eye | Slow pan |
| Yellow | “No Filming” statement | Cite Turner v. Driver |
| Red | Lobby lockdown | Livestream emergency |
Common Cop Terms, Translated
| Cop Says | What They Mean |
|---|---|
| “Officer safety” | Your rights scare me |
| “You’re interfering” | You exist |
| “Step back” | Step away from accountability |
Supreme Court Spellcasting
- Glik v. Cunniffe – Film freely, citizens!
- Houston v. Hill – Words aren’t illegal, even spicy ones.
- Turner v. Driver – Sidewalk = Safe Zone
Closing Remarks from the Founding Fathers’ Group Chat
- George Washington: “Film them all and let the courts sort it out.”
- Ben Franklin: “A watched government is a polite government.”
- Thomas Jefferson: “Signs don’t override the Constitution.”
Disclaimer: This webpage is not an official government page or an emergency line. It is dedicated to displaying information about police misconduct and naming the agencies involved. The content provided here is for informational purposes only and does not constitute official records or legal advice. In case of an emergency, please contact your local authorities or dial 911. For official information, please refer to the appropriate government or law enforcement websites.
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